Report 20: Day 24

Alcohol units: 210 (maybe more I lost count)

Showers: 12

Cat: 1

Dog: 1

Wife: 1

Kids alive: 4

Potatoes: 5kg

In-laws: 2

Dear Diary,

Well, where does one start. As far as homemade alcohol goes, we seem to have hit the jackpot! As far as hangovers go, I feel like my 17 year old self, the morning after my first night out at Naughty’s or Tinroof; I’ll be honest it’s pretty hard to move at all at the moment…I did my first zoom meeting under the covers with the camera off; I tried not to speak but when I did the duvet cover kept muffling my mic and I had to speak louder…bloody hell the pain! Cape Town may experience another drought with the amount of water I have consumed this morning.

The hangover is akin to the one that Gold sambuca (remember those cool flakes - totally high class!) used to leave you with back in the 90’s; basically, the boulevard of broken dreams the morning after.

The wife told Poppie, the sister-in-law and myself to go easy, but by the time we were onto the second round, the music was on and Kenny Rogers was telling “us when to hold ‘em / when to fold ‘em”. I nearly called it after two shots but when the “A Star is Born” sound track came on, well that was me…”Raymonds Revenge” was in full flow and I was “Jackson Maine” both in voice and in inebriation. Well, kinda…

I must have done some heavy Whatsapp-ing mid-session as my phone is lit up with at least 25 notifications waiting my review – I am dreading looking to be honest; I vaguely remember chatting to Dazza across the road and telling him of our newly produced “tonic” and him placing an order?

After a pint or two of black coffee and two rather stale hot cross buns I opened up Whatsapp; my worst fears confirmed. From the typical telling family members that we will get through this together and that I love and missed them, to hitting up mates that I hadn’t talked to in years saying we must braai when this is all over…to the very cringy Whatsapping of Poppies ex-girlfriend and telling her that he’s actually an okay bloke and worth a second try and really still loves her…3 messages sent, all blue ticks, no reply – deleted in the hope it also deletes on her phone.

My worst however is my posting on to the Neighbourhood WhatsApp Group…I have deleted it now hoping that not everybody had checked their phones yet on a Monday morning…I am dying with embarrassment as I write this now Dear Diary but I need to look at it and learn in the cold light of day!

YOU: “Does anybody else feel Mrs. B’s cat is better off in the wild? Who’s with me!?”

There was zero response, even though Dazza told me later he and the missus had already read it…so I am presuming they weren’t the only ones. Maybe Mrs. B didn’t get to it in time as she would only be out of bed at 11am, surely?

As it turns out Dazza and I did have a very LONG chat about supplying him with Raymond’s Revenge. Dazza has connections in the neighbourhood with people who are running dry and would pay top dollar for some moonshine right now. I had committed (in my admittedly very drunk but exuberant state) to 30 liters a week for the foreseeable lock down future…150 bucks a liter and he will act as the fence.

Again, in the cold light of day Dear Diary, this is going to be a hard one to get passed the wife; internal use is one thing but running a full-on Dukes of Hazard moonshine setup is on a totally different level. I need to come up with a sound argument both to prove the extra money would be useful while at the same time one that mitigates the problem of breaking the law; one oke last week was arrested for just having a case of beers in the back of his bakkie; can you imagine if we got busted for selling high volume homemade alcohol from the back of garden?

And it would seem my problems have only started – apparently, I wasn’t the only one who was on the phone last night; Poppie just forwarded me a message from one of his mates at the Golf Club asking for a litre…Cassie also has a few pals who may be in for a “case or two”?! The SiL who is actually a high-end banker (as well as taking the role of Lady Gaga on the Star is Born Soundtrack for most of our karaoke sessions) also has a couple of clients asking where they may get a few bottles - at least with her clients we can up the asking price – they have the cash.

I am signing off now dear Diary; what was meant to be a quiet plan to increase the immediate drinking stocks in our household has now become the focal point of all local functioning alcoholics; this does not bode well.

RH