Report 20: Day 23

Alcohol units: 199 (Double century anyone?)

Showers: 11

Cat: 1

Dog: 1

Wife: 1

Kids alive: 4

Potatoes: 10kg

In-laws: 2

Dear Diary

It’s a big day. Today is the “go-no-go” on the latest vat of “Raymond’s Revenge”.

The wife has been working Poppie and I hard on making sure everything is being done correctly and to the letter of her instructions; there is no half measures with this moonshine baroness; will update a bit later as we have agreed to only try once the kids are down.

Being a Sunday, we are taking it a little easy. Poppie has gone into full DIY mode which essentially means raiding the garage and the shed for any types of paint, finding a matching colour surface that he can paint and then just going for it. So far, we have a half-completed patio set; half newly painted bright-white and the other half continuing to present its faded 20-year off-white look. Poppie got tired of the project halfway through and gave the remainder of the job to the kids; the kids apparently are either on strike or completing yet another Fortnite mission with mates online…either way I hold little hope of ever having a matching patio set ever again.

Poppie’s energy did perk up later again and he focused his attention on a new project. We now also have a half complete birdbath in the garden; it’s now an odd shade of dark green and its original cement base colour; even the pigeons are looking at it with a sense of slight amusement and if I am decoding their tweeting correctly, they are discussing the merits of our in-house Michelangelo and the juxtaposition of Deluxe “Garden green” and cement grey in its contemporary form.

We have been informed that the Government will be popping by tomorrow with their testing kits; everyone in the house is to be tested for the COVID-19 virus or as Poppie is insisting on calling it “The Chinese Flu”; he has been heavily influenced by his WhatsApp group from the Golf Club and in particular a guy called Cassie, who apparently has all the down-low about the “real” cause of COVID-19.

According to Cassie it’s a combination of the new 5G network and some plan by the Chinese to ruin the world economy so they could complete their march on world dominance; so basically the Chinese Illuminati meets Vodacom/MTN and infects the world for reasons unknown.

Father-in-law says he doesn’t quite get it but Cassie “knows people” (whatever that means) and therefore should be treated as a credible and influential source. In my opinion Cassie might be drinking too much “sauce” and is one step away from wearing a tin-foil hat.

Update 8pm: Raymond’s Revenge.

Going to be quick here as I fear the alcohol might take over my fingers at any moment.

Firstly, the wife’s first batch is a total hit! It’s like Witblits and a shot of hot lump of coal to the throat; however slightly watered down with Oros (our only mixer) it’s sublime. The perfect mix of overly sweet, overly sugared orange syrup and clean potato alcohol!

The wife has worked miracles here – we may be safe for the foreseeable future on the liquor fronts, the SiL and FiL and I are already discussing which SodaStream mix to potentially purchase when the shops open – Ginger beer and Cherry are my top picks at present.

We may have to monitor the proof level…I feel at the moment it maybe a little higher than the desired 40% alcohol content…that said I thinlsskk kjjjlsss..khjhkjhkjkjh….taht myfgfgf th….*!

rH…