Report 13: Day 12

Alcohol units: 123 (If age is but a number so should units be!)

Showers: 5

Facial hair: Rugged (John Hamm?)

Jogs: 0

Cat: 1! (we think)

Dog: 1

Wife: 1

Kids alive: 3

Potatoes: 5kg (new)

Father-in-laws: 1

Easter Eggs: 23

Dear Diary, what a day!

Firstly, on yesterday’s police story, for the time being we seem safe; Poppie AKA “Starsky” pulled the last shift early this morning and if I check his notes there has been no notable action on the street overnight. Hard to read his writing as his shift wore on (obviously drinking on the job) but his last entry seemed to indicate that Raymond was spotted in the front garden? Either that or it was the “Ramones were spotted in the garden”. My gut tells me (a) I would have heard them and (b) pretty sure they are all dead (c) if he did see the Ramones what the hell was he drinking?

I will ask Poppie to decipher his notes when he wakes up.

My social media feeds are full of the c-virus; people telling each other “to stay at home, be safe”, asking for banana bread recipes and how much is the legal amount of horse tranquilizer to dose a child (10ml…not saying how I know).

I see South Africans are continuing to like the page “I am staying” …honestly what bloody choice do you have right now!?

One thing that caught my eye overnight was that Sea Point residents were upset by the amount of noise that was been made by an Oil tanker moored just off their beach. A number of residents had complained that the “tanker was making too much noise at night.” A local council member took up the challenge, spoke to the shipping company and had it moved! Possibly the biggest ‘Karen’ moment in history, surely? I can just imagine ‘Karen’ phoning the shipping company in Panama, asking to speak to the manager?

Makes Mrs. B’s “eye spy” exploits seem incredibly tame round here!

Talking of excessive privilege, how pissed off am I that the new Top Gun movie has been pushed back to December!? We have waited nearly 20 years for this and now Tom can only cruise at the end of the year; mind you we probably don’t need soundtrack songs like “Take my breathe away” and “Danger Zone” right now…not at all appropriate.

The new James Bond is also cancelled for now; again, with the title of “No time to die”, it’s probably not the most PC to be punted by Ster Kinekor. Thankfully eTV is still repeating every Steven Segal movie ever made, so we won’t be short of evening viewing at home.

This upcoming 4-day holiday is a joke though! We were supposed to be away in Arniston this weekend. Still convinced this government owes us some backdating of time off later on.

I snuck out to the shed while the kids were in “class” and the wife was putting number 2 into detention; it was the end result of his stroppiness over not been able to hang on to empty toilet roll holder that he had “found”. The wife needed it for a class project, but he was hoping to use it for his own project later on…literally dear Diary is this the level we have reached? Fights over toilet rolls? I had envisaged war over water, oil or religion but not end of world over an empty 2-ply roll (soft)…surely humanity cannot survive beyond this?

The Shed visit was a good one. I have strained the mash out and now we just have the left over liquid; I have added the next set of ingredients and set it to a slow boil…let’s see where this goes; I am still nervous about the recent police activity but I can’t stop now! I would rather go down fighting the “Man” than risk running out of alcohol!

With the increased police presence in the area, I have added a red food colourant to the mix; I purloined this from the baking cupboard earlier – my thinking here is that if we are raided I can claim I was making a funky hand sanitizer and my unique selling point was the colour!

I have even made up a “label” for it – I am calling it “EverREDi”; it’s a nod to the battery guys, this after all will keep me going longer!

Later confirmed from Poppie it was indeed Raymond and not the Ramones that were spotted on our front lawn; Poppie reckons Raymond is preferring to go feral than go home to Mrs. B; can’t say I blame him to be honest. At least we have proof of life; I have asked the wife to inform Mrs. B’s daughter that he has been sighted…maybe that will calm down her solo neighbourhood watch vibes for a bit.

Took the empties out for the rubbish collection today; slightly embarrassed by the number of empties we have going, especially given that I offloaded quite a few to Dazza yesterday. I am slightly confused by the number of Rose wine and Gin bottles though, as I don’t remember drinking these (am I blacking out?), and Poppie’s typical tipple comes in a 5-liter box, so it’s definitely not him.

Maybe they are left over from the good old days? Strange.

RH